My Birthday is just another day. Part 2

How my 22nd Birthday started: with me taking a hot shower for half an hour at 12.00 a.m.

How I spent my 22nd Birthday: by driving my family around for my cousin's engagement.

How my 22nd Birthday ended: with me eating my late dinner alone in the kitchen.

That sums up my 'special' day for 2014.

No gifts, no party, no celebration. Nothing. Heck, its 2013 again. Wait, no. It's 2013, 2012 and the list goes on. Exactly a year ago, I wrote a post about my depressing birthday and it amused me that I can copy paste what I wrote and just change the date. Because I feel exactly the same.

Okay, maybe this year ain't that bad. A bit better than last year, but its not good also. Its still sad though. My cousin's engagement was today, so I spent the day celebrating it in accordance with our cultural norms. I'm happy for him, but I can't help feeling sad too. Being in a room full of people, family members to be exact, but all the attention was for someone else. A small short celebration or wish would suffice. But nothing really. So I sat in the corner, letting others shine in a time where I deserve some attention too. But its okay, I'll step back. Not my special time, not my day. There was a lot of dramas too, but that's too private to share here, but it didn't help to brighten up my day.

I also have friends whom I share birthdays with. I can see through their FB post, tweets and Instagram that they're having a great time. That's good. Am happy for them.Hopefully, one day, I can be celebrated like them maybe? I know I seem to be emotionless but, I really am not. And I know that if people I know read this, they might make fun of me, mock me for being too emotional or making a big deal out of nothing. Well, sorry, this is how I feel, so I don't and won't care bout what you say.

Lastly, I'm a bit surprised that I have unknown readers reading my birthday post. And here's a comment about my 2013 post, not more than 24 hours ago.

 Heather said...

I googled this because today is my bday, and I'm spending it exactly the way you spent yours. Except I'm alone don't even have anyone else here with me. It's funny, I could describe myself the exact same way that you described yourself. Isince our beats are a day apart, it must be the Aquarius in us.

I hope your bday tomorrow goes better than last year, and than mine did today.

Well, Happy Birthday to you Heather. Thanks for reading my post. Hope you'll find happiness in days to come and may our luck change in the future. Would be nice to chat with someone like you though :)

So yeah, hopefully, by being 22 years old, I'll be mature, wiser and may God shower me with his blessing.

Here's to hopefully a good year ahead and maybe, no more depressing post

My Birthday is just another day

Today is 25th January 2013
Today is my 21st Birthday
Today I am older by one year
Today is the day I'm suppose to be happy
But today feels like any other day

Usually, our birthday is a day that we will all look forward to. Why wouldn't we? We will be a year older. We get to live to see another day (Alhamdulillah). We get to celebrate a special day in which in that one day, we are special. Our friends wishing us Happy Birthday and do anything to cheer us up. Give us birthday gifts. Throw a surprise birthday party and such. Truly a great day that we look forward to every year.

Despite all that, today just feels like any other day. In fact, it feels much more boring compared to other days. So, this is how I spent my day;

1. Woke up at 12.30 p.m.
2. Went to friday prayers at noon
3. Replied birthday wishes at Facebook, twitter and whatsapp
4. Stayed in front of my computer the whole day
5. Took care of my nephew in between

And that is all. Seriously, that is all. Nothing else. My parents are not even around. They're in Perak now, settling things for my sister's new house. So I'm at home, with my sister. nephew and 2nd brother. The 1st bro went back to his parent in law house with the wife. Nothing to do. In fact, got a big headache now. Feel like vomiting too. Lovely. I don't know why

Anyways, I have to be honest, deep inside, of cause I've always look forward for my birthday. But sometimes I wish I didn't look forward. Because I put up some expectation and in the end, it was just crushed. I too wanna feel special for the day. But let's face it, I don't...

1. Have a birthday party
2. Get any birthday present
3. Have any celebration
4. Get any special birthday wish
5. Have something special made for me. Like a video or something

Nothing. absolutely nothing. Yes, it's depressing. What's more depressing is that most of my birthdays are like this. But I have to say, I have no one else to blame but myself for all this. See, when it comes to celebration, there must be other people to celebrate with. Even I don't want to have a party for myself and by myself, that's just... Dumb? If you have good and close friends, for sure your birthday will be awesome. Because they'll make sure that you enjoy your special day. Because they're happy that you're happy.

For me, I don't think I have those kinda of friends. Nobody will trouble themselves to set up a surprise for me. Nobody will get me a gift. Nobody really want to celebrate this day. But of cause I'm grateful that some people took some time to wish me for my birthday. Thanks Guys. But yeah, I don't have those close friends. I don't have a best friend from Primary school. I don't have a best friend from High School. I don't have a best friend from College too. Heck, I can't even think of anyone who I can say is very close with me. Yes, I do have friends that I care about and I know they care about me. I'm close to them, they're close to me. But I got this feeling that I don't have a very close friend. What I mean is like, I don't have what Joey and Chandler (Friends) or Ted and Marshall (How I met your mother) have. I don't have a group of best friends nor a best friend.

It's my fault really. I'm not the type who hangs out. I usually carry a negative aura where people think that I'm not friendly (I actually am) and I tend to just ignore it. I don't take much effort to make friends I guess. And now I'm feeling the setback. 

And the worse part is, I'm used to all this. Of cause I feel sad once in awhile, but I'm used to it, hence the reason why I don't do much to fix things. To make it even worse, I consciously realize that I'm used to this. I let myself go through all this, even though I don't like it, even though I could have make things better. Why oh why I do this to myself. 

I have some friends who share the same birthday as me and oh, I can see how much they're enjoying this day. Good for them. Heh... Jealousy oh Jealousy. The point is, it's my birthday but it's just another day.

This is my first post after a few months and it's a depressing one. Oh well, I do tend to share more depressing stuff about my life in this Blog. Because I don't think people read it, but I just want to share it. And I know some people might think 'Why the hell is this dude so depressed. Chill la. Go live your life'. If there are those who says that, I would respond by saying 'Fuck You'. This is my life. The things I share are nonfiction. It's up to me. And what is wrong about sadness? It's a feeling. It's our nature. I'm just embracing it.

But whatever it is, I'm 21 now. I'm suppose to be a matured individual (Because I'm allowed to vote now. haha) I'm an uncle too. So I got responsibilities and things that I should focus on. May Allah grant me strength to do all of those things

Well, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. And hopefully I'll post things on my blog regularly and with contents which are positive.

I too wish for a memorable Birthday

One day, InsyaAllah 

Motivation

I'm not really in a good mood
I don't really know why (I'm lying, of cause I know why)

Anyways, while being enraged with anger,
something random popped up in my head

Motivation
'The act or an instance of motivating, or providing with a reason to act in a certain way'

In life, what people need is motivation
Since life can be full of shit and life can be harsh where it pushes us down time and time again
We somehow need the comfort of other people motivating us

But the things is, as much as we want to be motivated,
We need to motivate others too

But in my case, as far as I can remember, it's the other way around
I play my role in helping my friends and motivating them (in the past)
But I never really got anything in return

I even motivated someone who was actually in an okay predicament,
Where-else I was in a very shitty situation at that time

So lately, I don't do much in terms of motivation
Faiz said that I've been harsh on the SDAR debaters
I didn't really motivate them

Well, that's the thing
I don't wanna motivate people much anymore

I live through life by accepting and embracing pain and happiness (if there's any)
I went through it by myself. I go through all the hardship by myself
I motivate myself (not in a dirty way, mind you)

I don't ask for people's pity or motivation
My life isn't really that wonderful, but it's fine and it will do

So if someone like me can do it.
Others can do it too

So, if I haven't been supportive lately,
Well, Man the fuck up. I'm not here to motivate





Just a random anger expression
and......
I wish some of the things I said were lies

A dream is a fantasy or a future reality?

A dream
I'm referring to the dream where people have when they sleep

I honestly don't know much about a dream
I'm sure there's science or explanation behind it

Lately, I've been experiencing weird dreams
Dreams related to people in my life

Some dreams are nice
But some dreams are plain weird

Some dreams I don't mind being real
But some, I hope will never happen

Is a dream a message from God?
Or is it truly just random?

Whatever it is, I hope my dreams won't get weirder
But then again, a dream is where the adventure is

So I guess, it's okay.
Let the dreams continue
Dreaming about more girls would be nice too ;)




"Now wait wait wait for me,
Please hang around,
I'll see you when I fall asleep"

I should be thankful

It's 13th August. It's 11.31 p.m
I'm currently lying purposeless on my bed, thinking about many things.

Despite many things running through my head now,
one thing in particular is dominating my thought process,
My parents

My dad is currently in Singapore,
My mum is upstairs, watching tv or maybe asleep.

Last January, I found out that my dad kept a lot of my childhood videos,
Videos that I never knew existed

Upon watching the videos, I feel sad and thankful
20 years I have lived in this world.
Of cause I owe it all to God that I'm still alive
But the way I'm raised, I owe it all to my parents

My life is pretty much good
I got everything I need

A room, gadgets, a car, proper education, allowance and most importantly, love and attention.
I have it all.

But at times, I feel that I don't deserve this
I'm not sure if I've been a good son to them
It even makes me think, will I ever be as good as them, parenting wise

Can I raise my child  (assuming I'll get married and have a child) nearly as good as how my parents raised me?
Can I provide him/her with the attention and proper love that parents gave?
I don't know and I'm afraid.

I remember last year, I lied to my parents about getting an offer to enter a University
Yes they were mad, but they didn't leave me to solve the problem
They troubled themselves to meet the foundation's management and begged for an alternative
And today I'm entering my 2nd semester because of them.

Both my parents are nearing 60 years old
I don't know how much longer I'll be with them
That's why, I'm trying my best to spend as much time as I can with them.

I love my parents and I'm thankful for everything they've done for me
Though they won't know about this post,
What ever happens, I'll pray for them and be by their side whenever they need me

                                                               (My Mum and Dad)



I hope that I'm a good enough son for them

Voices in my head

I hear voices in my headThey council meThey understandThey talk to me

You got your rules and your religionAll designed to keep you safeBut when rules start getting brokenYou start questioning your faith

I have a voice that is my saviorHates to love and loves to hateI have a voice that has the knowledgeAnd the power to rule your fate

I hear voices cryingI see heroes dyingI taste the blood that's dryingI feel tensions rising
I hear voices in my headThey council meThey understandThey talk to me, they talk to meThey tell me things that I will doThey show me things I'll do to youThey talk to me, they talk to me

All the lawyers are defenselessAll the doctors are diseasedAnd the preachers all are sinnersAnd police just take the greaseAll you judges you are guiltyAll the bosses I will fireAll you bankers will have lossesAnd politicians are all liars

I see darkness fallingI hear voices callingI feel justice crawlingI see faith has fallen



Voices in my head that guides me through life.This life can be so dark, why brighten it up? When you can embrace it.

I dream

I dream of rain

I dream of gardens in the desert sand

I wake in vain

I dream of love as time runs through my hand

I dream of fire

Those dreams are tied to a horse that will never tire

And in the flames

Her shadows play in the shape of a man's desire

This desert rose

Each of her veils, a secret promise

This desert flower

No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this

And as she turns

This way she moves in the logic of all my dreams

This fire burns

I realize that nothing's as it seems

I dream of rain

I dream of gardens in the desert sand

I wake in vain

I dream of love as time runs through my hand

I dream of rain

I lift my gaze to empty skies above

I close my eyes

This rare perfume is the sweet intoxication of her love

Words of a song that I enjoy, especially during Ramadhan :)

Holy Month

Haven't been writing anything for awhile now. Been kinda lazy. I have like alot of ideas on what to write, sadly it wasn't put into action. Anyways, time to update this dusty blog.


First of all, Alhamdulillah and thank god to Allah that I've been given another chance to relieve Ramadhan. The holy month. The month of fasting. It's been 8 days now. 8 days of not eating and drinking during the day. 8 days of trying my best to avoid any sinful act and 8 days of trying my best to devote myself to God. To be honest, I'm not really a religious type, but even I find this month to be special and beautiful.


Other than an opportunity to slim down (because I don't eat during the day and I don't eat much for Berbuka too) I love to go for terawih prayer at the surau. For me, I don't pray terawih by myself, I prefer it to be in Jemaah because I find it enjoyable and much peaceful.


In Ramadhan, I also get the opportunity to tighten the bond with a few people, namely my family and batchmates as I will attend my batch's Iftar and my family's Iftar soon. I guess previously, I've never truly appreciate Ramadhan and even till now, I haven't truly appreciate it to the fullest. InsyaAllah, I'll try my best to do so.


Ramadhan, one month of devotion and Syawal, one month of celebration. Islam is fair that way :) 

Stalker

Definition of Observe from Wikipedia


'Observation is either an activity of a living being, such as a human, consisting of receiving knowledge of the outside world through the senses, or the recording of data using scientific instruments. The term may also refer to any collected data during this activity. An observation can also be the way you look at things or when you look at something.'


'An observational bias occurs when researchers only look where they think they will find positive results, or where it is easy to record observations. This is called the "Street Light Effect".'


Lately, I spend most of my time sitting at a corner. At the corner, I relax and observe. I look at my surrounding and I watch the people around. Their behaviour, the things they wear, the way they interact and others. It is very interesting. We are humans but we differ in so many ways. Everyone have some unique about them. That what makes this world interesting and fun. Different people that light up this world in many different ways.


Not only that it's fun, sometimes observing makes me happy. It makes me smile. But of cause that entirely depend on what or who I'm observing. But whatever it is, observing people is fun and I'll keep doing it :)

Sleepless Night

I noticed that my blog is so uninteresting. The template is dull and boring. And the way I write things is so lame. But what the heck. I'm not here to win any awards such as 'Best Looking Blog' or 'Most Popular Blog'. I just wanna share things here and that's the purpose of my blog. A place where I write random shits at random time.


And this will be random too. It's 1st July 2012, 2.14 a.m. I'm at Tunes Hotel Kota Damansara. I'm on the floor (because the bed is occupied) and I can't sleep. There's too many thoughts in my head that I don't know what I'm thinking about anymore. I need something to make everything clear again. But honestly, I don't know what that something is and I don't know if I'll ever get it. This is not cool. At all

Tonight is the night..

One.. Two.. Three..


And it goes on and on..


It won't stop..


These eyes would not shut..


It's 5.00 a.m. in the morning. I'm still wide awake. I can't sleep.
My sleeping routine is pretty much screwed due to the holidays.


But it's time like these that I start to think a lot.
A weird time for my mind to be 'active'.


Other than thinking, it's time like these that I stalk a lot.
This is when I go through people's Facebook and Twitter account.


I look through their tweets and post.
Not forgetting skimming through the pictures too.


It's time like these that I get so hungry.
But I refuse to eat. Not because I'll get fat, but because I'm lazy to move.


I also think about those who I care about.
Wondering where they are now and what am I to them.


Time passes so slow right now.
Sometimes it drives me crazy, sometimes I feel at peace.


But whatever it is,
I should try and get some sleep








When darkness turns to light


It ends tonight


Good Night :)

Dress Code

One.. Two.. Three..


Words from my fingertips..


It begins..


So, yeah. I mentioned before that this won't just be about feelings. I'll write random stuff too. So... Clothes. Attire. The thing that we wear to so that we don't show off our birthday suit (yes, we shouldn't show it off. Not everyone wants to see it. trust me). What's unique about clothing and attire is that, there's always an appropriate type or set of clothes for every and any occasion.


I was brought up in a family where dress code is very important. Whatever we wear must be appropriate with the situation or event that we're attending. Whenever someone visits our home, we change our attire to make sure it's presentable enough to them. And it's not for the sake of looking good, but it's discipline too. Not only this is something what my family has inculcate within me, but staying in SDAR for 5 years also showed me the importance of proper attire. I don't think that being that way is somehow a neat freak or overreacting and such. It also shows respect to the event or other people around you.


Which now brings me to my point. I honestly don't understand. A wedding reception is a beautiful and happy event. This is where the bride and groom will dress as nicely as they can to look good on their wedding day and also for their guest. The thing is, if they can do that, why can't the guest do the same? Nowdays, every time I go for a wedding reception, a lot of people are wearing jeans, t-shirt, plain collared shirt and such. For me, that is so inappropriate. Especially when you're in Malaysia, where there's a lot of cultural based formal attires that you can wear. Why can't these people take some time to put on a batik or baju melayu or baju kurung. Honestly, it's not that hard and I'm sure almost everyone have at least a pair of those type of clothes. It doesn't take much time to wear it also. It will also look much better if they do wear it.


Everyone taking an effort to look good on a special event. Won't that be wonderful? Especially when you snap a group photo. So yeah, I think that most people should take a conscience effort to adhere to proper dress code during events and try to look good as much as possible :)








Don't judge a book by it's cover. True


But nonetheless a cover leaves a big impression


And it's all up to us

Deep within me

3.. 2.. 1..


It shall begin..


Once again..


If anyone take an effort to go through my old posts, you might find out that I'm very mushy/emo/jiwang. Well, that was back then. But I couldn't say that currently I'm not longer like that. I might as well  still be the same.


One important thing that I learned in the past is that there is no need for me to hide who I am or any feeling I have. Anger, Frustration, Happiness, Loneliness, Love, Fear or whatever it is, I'll just show it. Eventhough  some feelings are affiliated with positive or negative element, I'll just embrace it. I once saw a post on 9gag which was quite inspirational (yes, 9gag is not only for humour)


"I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that something made me feel that sad. It's like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before, so I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like, beautiful sadness."


Feelings and emotions. There'll be a lot of that in this blog soon. Of cause not only that. Some random crasp will also be included.












Confuse is a feeling too right?


That particular feeling is strong within me


Right now

Revisiting a dusty page

1.. 2.. 3..


Let it begin..


Again...


I've left my blog for quite a while now. From time to time, I do check it out. I look at all my old posts. Reading back all my past experience. Some were sweet. Some were bitter. And some were just plain stupid. Haha. Nowdays, I don't really blog anymore. Facebook and Twitter is sufficient in fulfilling my internet social network needs. 


But I guess, I want to start blogging again. I just want a medium where I can write long posts. I just wanna write random things. And let whoever who wants to read it, read it. So yeah. I guess. I'll start blogging back soon. Especially when I have 2 and a half months of jobless break. I need to find a hobby and I guess blogging will be an option for me.












Hey there


I'm back


:)

Too Precious

Words that appears on a small handphone screen,

Can mean alot to someone =]

I too want my boyfriend and only him

He's nice, caring and too precious to let go

If I lose him, I might lose everything

He filled the void that had been eating my heart away

All this time, I kept wanting the people I cant have

And when I found him, I didnt think that he'd matter to me this much

He put up with my craziness and depression

He doesnt always know what I want

But tries so hard to please me

Every single day, my heart surrenders bit by bit to him

I hope he realizes that

:)

Thank you for those words my little red riding hood :')

You're so precious to me

I will never let you go

Am yours

ILY

After awhile :)

Reblogging Again :)

Currently in CFS IIUM, PJ

Taking Law

Happy with life

Because:

New Friends

New subjects

Good Old Debate

New Life

Her :)

The reason Im able to smile all day long

Currently her's

Great New Friends :)

Love Life People!

PS: I know its crappy, but what the heck :D

Can't Help

Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand, take my whole life too
For I can't help falling in love with you

Could be

It could be wrong
Could be wrong
But it should've been right
It could be wrong
Could be wrong
To let our hearts ignite
It could be wrong
Could be wrong
Are we digging a hole
It could be wrong
Could be wrong
This is out of control
It could be wrong
Could be wrong
It could never last
It could be wrong
Could be wrong
Must erase it fast
It could be wrong
Could be wrong
But it could've been right

Love is our resistance
They'll keep us apart
They won't stop breaking us down
Hold me
Our lips must always be sealed

Scars

Dead star shine
Light up the sky
I'm all out of breath
My walls are closing in
Days go by
Give me a sign
Come back to the end
The shepherd of the damned

I can feel you falling away

No longer the lost
No longer the same
And I can see you starting to break
Ill keep you alive
If you show me the way
Forever - and ever
The scars will remain
Im falling apart
Leave me here forever in the dark

Daylight dies
Blackout the sky
Does anyone care?
Is anybody there?
Take this life
Empty inside
Im already dead
Ill rise to fall again

God help me Ive come undone
Out of the light of the sun

Give me a sign
There's something buried in the words
Give me a sign
Your tears are adding to the flood

Forever - and ever
The scars will remain

Question

Ask whatever you want about me.
Just make sure its not anything stupid.

www.formspring.me/harrisghazali