Today is my 21st Birthday
Today I am older by one year
Today is the day I'm suppose to be happy
But today feels like any other day
Usually, our birthday is a day that we will all look forward to. Why wouldn't we? We will be a year older. We get to live to see another day (Alhamdulillah). We get to celebrate a special day in which in that one day, we are special. Our friends wishing us Happy Birthday and do anything to cheer us up. Give us birthday gifts. Throw a surprise birthday party and such. Truly a great day that we look forward to every year.
Despite all that, today just feels like any other day. In fact, it feels much more boring compared to other days. So, this is how I spent my day;
- Woke up at 12.30 p.m.
- Went to friday prayers at noon
- Replied birthday wishes at Facebook, twitter and whatsapp
- Stayed in front of my computer the whole day
- Took care of my nephew in between
And that is all. Seriously, that is all. Nothing else. My parents are not even around. They're in Perak now, settling things for my sister's new house. So I'm at home, with my sister. nephew and 2nd brother. The 1st bro went back to his parent in law house with the wife. Nothing to do. In fact, got a big headache now. Feel like vomiting too. Lovely. I don't know why
Anyways, I have to be honest, deep inside, of cause I've always look forward for my birthday. But sometimes I wish I didn't look forward. Because I put up some expectation and in the end, it was just crushed. I too wanna feel special for the day. But let's face it, I don't...
- Have a birthday party
- Get any birthday present
- Have any celebration
- Get any special birthday wish
- Have something special made for me. Like a video or something
Nothing. absolutely nothing. Yes, it's depressing. What's more depressing is that most of my birthdays are like this. But I have to say, I have no one else to blame but myself for all this. See, when it comes to celebration, there must be other people to celebrate with. Even I don't want to have a party for myself and by myself, that's just... Dumb? If you have good and close friends, for sure your birthday will be awesome. Because they'll make sure that you enjoy your special day. Because they're happy that you're happy.
For me, I don't think I have those kinda of friends. Nobody will trouble themselves to set up a surprise for me. Nobody will get me a gift. Nobody really want to celebrate this day. But of cause I'm grateful that some people took some time to wish me for my birthday. Thanks Guys. But yeah, I don't have those close friends. I don't have a best friend from Primary school. I don't have a best friend from High School. I don't have a best friend from College too. Heck, I can't even think of anyone who I can say is very close with me. Yes, I do have friends that I care about and I know they care about me. I'm close to them, they're close to me. But I got this feeling that I don't have a very close friend. What I mean is like, I don't have what Joey and Chandler (Friends) or Ted and Marshall (How I met your mother) have. I don't have a group of best friends nor a best friend.
It's my fault really. I'm not the type who hangs out. I usually carry a negative aura where people think that I'm not friendly (I actually am) and I tend to just ignore it. I don't take much effort to make friends I guess. And now I'm feeling the setback.
And the worse part is, I'm used to all this. Of cause I feel sad once in awhile, but I'm used to it, hence the reason why I don't do much to fix things. To make it even worse, I consciously realize that I'm used to this. I let myself go through all this, even though I don't like it, even though I could have make things better. Why oh why I do this to myself.
I have some friends who share the same birthday as me and oh, I can see how much they're enjoying this day. Good for them. Heh... Jealousy oh Jealousy. The point is, it's my birthday but it's just another day.
This is my first post after a few months and it's a depressing one. Oh well, I do tend to share more depressing stuff about my life in this Blog. Because I don't think people read it, but I just want to share it. And I know some people might think 'Why the hell is this dude so depressed. Chill la. Go live your life'. If there are those who says that, I would respond by saying 'Fuck You'. This is my life. The things I share are nonfiction. It's up to me. And what is wrong about sadness? It's a feeling. It's our nature. I'm just embracing it.
But whatever it is, I'm 21 now. I'm suppose to be a matured individual (Because I'm allowed to vote now. haha) I'm an uncle too. So I got responsibilities and things that I should focus on. May Allah grant me strength to do all of those things
Well, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. And hopefully I'll post things on my blog regularly and with contents which are positive.
I too wish for a memorable Birthday
One day, InsyaAllah
